


Death is Painful but Life is Miserable

by purplequeenppgz



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-10 00:45:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6931093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplequeenppgz/pseuds/purplequeenppgz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo is starting to feel the weight of his failures and regrets. He's miserable and he can never be happy and wonders if he should just put himself out of his own misery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death is Painful but Life is Miserable

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having some bad thoughts lately and i've heard people using writing to cope. I wonder if i'm doing it right.

He doesn't see why he needs to keep living if he can never be happy. He's going to have to die someday what difference does it make if he chooses to die rather than just wait for faith to decide? Why shouldn't he kill himself if he's going to die one day anyway? He weights the pros and cons of a self-inflicted death like it's a simple everyday preference. Coffee or tea.Blond or brunette. Death or life. He has little reason to live and every reason to die . He tells himself that he needs time to research that if he's going to make such a permanent decision he has to make sure he has no other options left. That's what he tells himself anyway. The only thing that is stopping him is the risk of failing. If he fails what would happen to him? What would Snoke do to him? What would Hux say? Would that make him weak in the eyes of his subordinates? Would they think he's week for trying or weak for failing? Would he be punished for choosing death over the First Order? That last question made Kylo shutter. Of course he would be punished but the real question is how. Would they lock him up in a secluded area in the medbay and force feed him drugs? Most likely. That alone would be the most degrading thing Kylo would ever be subjected to. That was his motivation for succeeding in this task. He didn't want his subordinates to see him so weak and pathetic. He didn't want anyone interfering with his free will. If Kylo wanted to kill himself, there would be no attempt. He'd make sure he succeed the first time.

Kylo couldn't imagine the thought of failing. He wouldn't be able to live with the fact that he was such a fuck up he couldn't even die on purpose. Failure carried to much risks. Risks of being paralyzed forever, the risk of punishment,and  the risk of forced "treatment".

His mind ,which was usually a constant battle between light and dark ,has become a war between self-preservation and self-destruction. Just by being alive Kylo can tell self-preservation was wining but his self destructive behaviors have manifested itself in other ways. Kylo has developed a nasty habit over the past few weeks. He has taken the head of his light saber and pressed it against his skin causing circular burn marks to form all over his pale body.One mark for each time he's failed himself, the First Order, and his family. It was pathetic really but it was the only thing that made him feel good. He didn't know why but he liked the pain. The pain helped detract him from his emotional turmoil. It only lasted for a short time ,but the few minutes of peace was worth it. Kylo's thankful that he wears long sleeves as they hide the marks he's inflicted on his skin.

It has been months since Kylo had destroyed any valuable equipment and that has not gone unnoticed by Hux. Hux seemed to be quite pleased with Kylo's change in demeanor. Kylo has stopped engaging with the General in witty banter. Instead only responding to the Generals insults with one syllable grunts. Kylo did not argue with Hux about military strategy or inter-galactic relations. The General was pleased that he didn't have a whiny hot-headed man constantly challenging his authority. Kylo and him were finally getting past their differences. Despite this the General became more on edge around Kylo. Now whenever he and the aspiring sith lord was in the same space the general felt a ting of fear come over him. He wasn't afraid of Kylo but he was afraid for Kylo. He didn't know why.The man unnerved him somehow.there was something unnatural about the way he carried himself. Despite Kylo being more compliant than he could ever dream of the General found himself tip toeing around the Knights feelings. He stopped outwardly trying to insult him and started actively trying to bring his mood up. He reminded Kylo of all his accomplishment ,of how far the First Order has come, of how his grandfather would be proud, and how impressed Snoke must be. Kylo ,however, just passively nodded when each point was brought up. There was still the dull monotone in his voice. He still walked around with his shoulders slightly slumped. Hux hoped that Kylo would soon get out of his funk. He should be spending his days hating Ren and cursing him under his breath not worrying and fretting.

Phasma radiated with worry as even she can't ignore the changing dynamics between the General and the Commander. She has noticed how much more reckless he is during missions. How at times it seems like he deliberately puts himself in danger. What was the most troubling to her was when he told her that when he dies he would want her to have Vader's helmet. Kylo would never let anyone to even look at the thing much less give it away. She didn't know how she should handle such a situation. Was it even her business to tell anyone? Wouldn't she be causing more trouble for Ren if she got the medics into his business? What would he do to her if she found out she was sticking her nose where it didn't belong? She tried her best to brush off her concerns. Kylo was a grown man if he wanted help he would ask for it himself. In the meantime, she kept an eye on Kylo herself.

Kylo just doesn't have the energy to do anything anymore. Even when he does basic tasks he feels like he's pushing himself to the limit. No matter how much sleep he gets, or how much food he eats he always feels exhausted. He wished he could feel any other emotions besides self-pity and contempt at life. There use to be a fire in him that was always fueled by anger and determination. He use to channel out of anger and destroying things around him helped him channel his dark side but now he's just tired. Tired of always fighting with himself. Tired of his life.

Kylo goes through his day trying to at least pretend like he has himself together. He ignores the voice in his head while he goes about his daily business.

"Kill yourself," it says. It's like a record that can be heard faintly in the background. He always here's it. The voice is louder on some days than on others.

Kylo has researched ways he can kill himself. He knows the whole thing is a waste of time. Why research when he always carries around a deadly weapon on his person? But it's not about the methods per say. It's the idea. The thought of ending his suffering and the multitudes of ways to do it. He likes the idea that he has variety in his decision ,even though in the end he knows he can only do it one way. Why should his options in death be restrictive? In certain ways he's too restricted in every other aspect of his life anyway.

His life belonged to Snoke now. He chose to follow Snoke at first. He made that decision when he slaughtered that school of padawans. But now he doesn't have the choice to leave, to make friends, to live life. He is alone and he's living a life that's not his own. Once Snoke had every galaxy under his control, he will toss Kylo to the curb. Kylo will be killed when he's been used up. He wouldn't be thanked or rewarded in anyway just eliminated. His life was all work and little pleasure. He always had to kill this person, slaughter that village, torture that man, or kidnap this women. Maybe if he loved his job he would be a happier man but he doesn't like killing. He doesn't hate it. It comes as easy to him as breathing but it wasn't something he would describe as pleasurable. The smell of rotting skin was disgusting and the screaming of woman and children was annoying at best.

Whatever pleasure he did have in his life quickly disappeared leaving him an empty man.

Finn use to fill up the emptiness inside him. The stormtrooper had a charm to him that Kylo couldn't describe. Whenever they were together the only thing Kylo felt was warm. Finn fooled him into thinking that life might actually be okay.

Finn was his only "friend" and calling him a friend was using the term very liberally. He was more like a companion. Social circumstances preventing them from being boyfriends but they understood each other on a deep emotional level that calling him a lover just seemed to callous. But of course Finn left him. The second he felt Finn's panic back on Jakku he should have killed the man. Then he wouldn't have to deal with another rejection.

After Finn came his father. This time Kylo was the one that did the rejecting and that cost Han his life. Kylo had hoped killing his own flesh and blood would extinguish the light inside him. After Han died the light within him came back full force. He killed his dad for nothing. He's still being ripped apart from the inside. His father's death was in vain. Kylo wished he could somehow bring Han back to life but he couldn't. He had killed one of the only two people in the universe that still cared about him. At least his mom still loves him he had thought. But something in his mind said to him that he was pushing his luck. His mother most likely hated him for what he did. He couldn't blame her he hated himself too.Ever since he was born all he did was cause her constant pain. Now there is exactly zero people in the universe that care about Kylo. Kylo had brought that upon himself.

Maybe this is why he's alone? He hurts and kills anyone who's close to him. Not a lot of people were willing to be around a murderer and he's a murderer through and through.

His thoughts wondered over to Rey and he could feel a scowl spread on his face. He can't believe he got beat by a civilian. She was just a scavenger with no prior experience with the force yet she had sliced his face with light saber that belong to him. It would have been less degrading if an actual Resistance officer had defeated him. If he had another chance he would kill the girl instead of toy with her. Right now she's most likely training with Luke Skywalker. Both of them should be dead. Their survival was a constant reminder of one of his many failures.

Kylo thinks how easy it would be to just kill himself with his saber. _Just like dad,huh._ Wouldn't that be pathetic? Killing himself with the same saber he killed his father.

Kylo laid on his bed looking at his saber. He's pressing the the switch to turn it on and off looking how the red plasma cackled and crackled.

He turns the saber off and used his left hand to locate his beating heart. He moves his right arms so that the head of the handle was pressed directly against his heart. Kylo took a couple of deep breaths .This was going to hurt and he had to mentally prepare himself.

The heat shoots through his heart as he pressed the button to ignite the saber and in an instant his eyes water with tears. This was just as painful as he thought it would be but that didn't prepare him. Not mentally anyway. Physically this pain was nothing. He's had training sessions more painful then this . But something more primal inside of him was crying out, begging for the pain to end. Kylo had a toxic mix of emotions swirling inside his head. The one that angered him the most was regret.

 _No. I've done to many things,failed to many times to feel regret over this. I don't get to feel regret now._ It's too late to regret his decision anyway as he can't get up for any medical attention and each second that goes by he feels the life draining from his body.

He thinks about his mother and how he's sure she will be able to feel when he passes away. This was not something he thought about before and now that it has entered his mind he can't swat the thought away. Like a persistent fly it won't leave. _It doesn't matter if she will feel it_ , he thinks. He'd have to die one day. People die all the time. It's part of life. Again he asks himself what difference does it make if he chooses to die rather than just wait for faith to decide? Why can't he invite death in instead of having death be a surprise visit? It's better if he dies sooner it'll give her more time to adjust. _She'll get over it. She'll be fine_. She old too so it's not like she'll feel bad for long (if she still cares). She'll soon follow him to the afterlife.

It takes him exactly two minutes to die and those where the longest two minutes of his life. As he closed his eyes one last time he wonders if there was any other way. If he still had a chance to go back to his mother. Apologize and atone for all that he's done.

No ,he didn't. Apologizing won't bring his father back to life. It won't give back the people he's slaughtered or the children he's kidnapped. He can't do anything now but die and that was for the best. Everyone would be happy. Heck ,even his own mother would be happy as it would mean the dark side would have one less ally. Yes, his death is a good thing. He would actually be doing everyone in the universe a favor. His death would be a huge blow to the First Order. This was his only hope at redemption. His death will be celebrated across the universe. Not for reasons Kylo likes but at least they'll remember him. At least then his life wouldn't have been a complete waste.

Somewhere on the other side of the galaxy General Organa felt dizzy and the contents of her stomach stirred. Her heart was contracting into itself. When she turned to look at Finn she could tell by his worried face that he felt it ,too.

The General excused herself and Finn followed suit. They had their moment of silence. For the man they lost and would never see again. For all the things that could have been and now could never be.

**Author's Note:**

> i told myself i wasn't going to write any fanfiction because i'm tired and pooped out but some things in my life are really making me reevaluate my relationships with people and how stuck I am and weighting the pros and cons of dying (and failing to die) and I need a distraction. 
> 
> sorry if this isn't quality writing kinda came up with this fic at the last minute (last night). I just didn't have the energy to make it too detailed and to add lots of prose. Grammer mistakes are mine and I'll fix them later when i see them.
> 
> There's actually some things I forgot to add but I'll also fix those later


End file.
